People raise their voices, or even shout, when they feel that they are not being heard… And they are probably right. They are not being heard, or at least in a way that is thoughtful, kind, and considerate of what they are trying to say.
This can be very frustrating and can lead to an escalation of emotion and volumne, perhaps on both sides, in a battle that does not seem to end.
Experts who research successful marriages tell us that even in the most cooperative marriages, only about 66% of differences ever get resolved. That’s either good news or bad news depending on how you look at it.
It is bad news if you were expecting 100% resolution… but good news if you are down between a 0% and 10% success rate and hoping for better!
We tend to be fairly unruly human beings as a rule, and certainly do not like to be shouted at, criticized, have our flaws pointed out (gotcha), or in any way, told what to do. Even my dog, Max, never liked being told what to do!
So what is a person to do, given these difficult conditions?
Here are some pointers:
- Focus on listening and understanding the other persons point of view even if you disagree. It doesn’t matter whether you believe the other person is from Mars, Venus, Jupiter, or just out to lunch, they are entitled to their point of view. Accept it.
- Get over the idea that you need to correct them. It is highly unlikely that this is going to happen. See their emotional outburst as a wave that surges and will come down if you let it be. Keep yourself together.
- After the wave has come down, ask him or her whether they want to hear your point of view now or later. Try not to get into a debate as debates rarely solve an issue.
- Agree to think about the other person’s point of view and come back later if possible. We are far more creative, generous, and flexible when we are calm. This approach may feel foreign at first but I can assure you it will increase your odds of resolving differences with your partner.