It is a common belief among many women that after she becomes married, she can’t be both a lustful woman alive with strong sexual desires, and be a responsible wife and mother. Somehow, it’s not becoming to feel intense sexual desire and become the sexual aggressor in one moment of the day, and then volunteer at school the next day. Women can feel a societal message to restrain themselves from this more earthy side of personhood least they be judged as ‘slutty.”
Men feel this divide as well. He might worry about degrading his wife with his own slutty, “dirty” desires, when she is obviously “a good wife”. He believes she is devoid of the debauchery that he may feel in what he considers his dark and oftentimes hidden fantasies and passion. He fears her judgment, or that he may overwhelm her with his “in the gutter thoughts.” Consequently, he puts her up on a pedestal to be admired, protected in her innocence, content to see her as the mother of his children. She, herself, might learn to suppress her sexual desire in order to resolve this spilt. Sex becomes mechanical, routine, with very little spark to it. He feels it’s the sacrifice to be made for the sake of stability and family.
Sigmund Freud referred to this as the “Madonna/Whore Syndrome’ to describe the split that can occur both with men and women. Freud wrote, “Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.” The man caught in this split outwardly suppresses his desires for his wife, and can transfer his passion elsewhere.
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HIs desires are projected onto strangers, models, porno actresses, that allow for a secretive habit of masturbation. Further along, cybersex, which is premised on interaction over the internet, can lead to a very active fantasy life with women he thinks love sex in every position, place, or manner that he can imagine. He doesn’t have to protect these women because they themselves, in his imagination, love sex in the same heightened, lusty ways he does. He imagines no need for inhibitions to get in the way of getting his needs met. Selfishness, or sexual aggressiveness, is justified because in her eroticism, she is as lustful and ruthless in her pursuit as he. As a result, caught in this split, he quickly decides this is not the type of woman he wants to bring home to mama. The fact that out of top ten www sites two are porn. This speaks to the depth of this split. Even further along, outright sexual affairs are often justified based on a lackluster sex life at home.
There can be a tragedy of miscommunication here. In reality, his wife may not want to be up on a pedestal devoid of sexual intimacy and pleasure. She may enjoy sex in as wild and woolly way that he does. It’s just that no one knows it.
A real possibility is that she can feel worn out from the demands of living up to her perceived responsibilities, always being the selfless person at home who takes care of everyone else’s needs. This belief, passed down through generations, can leave her feeling hostage to these expectations which doesn’t leave her time for so called superfluous activities such as the enjoyment of sex. Under these conditions, sex can feel like just another “duty” or chore which feels dull for both men and women, and eventually leads to less and less sexual contact. A turning elsewhere to another can follow.
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If we probe beneath some women’s social and physical burdens, we may find psychological answers. For example, a woman might suppress her sexual longings because she felt her husband may be intimidated by her wild, or what might be viewed as her out of control, excitement and sexual intensity.
She may feel, rightly or wrongly, that her husband wanted her to show restraint more associated with a “good woman”. She feels her husband couldn’t handle her sexual pleasure and intense passion. Ironically, husband and wife might want the same thing, a looser, more passionate sex life, but because of unspoken assumptions both lose out on what could be a more fulfilling love life.
Part of the process of growing into your authentic self is to confront inhibitions brought on by feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. If something is a secret, it typically means it’s shrouded in shame. Release the secret, release the shame, is typically the healing approach.
Many people, both men and women, feel weird or deviant about the ways they become aroused. They are perhaps even surprised by the depth of arousal from what is commonly seen as forbidden. The forbidden has a unique ability to titillate, and may be as simple as making out in the backseat of your car. As people learn to claim their experience as their experience, and express it, they will watch their self confidence and their intimacy grow. The healing of the Wife/Mistress split is through verbal sharing of their sexual fantasies and arousal. They learn not to apologize for their humanity. And, of course, not all fantasies need to be acted out in order for there to be enjoyment. At first glance, this sharing can feel like an unacceptable choice. Sex is so shrouded in guilt and shame that it is common to keep these fantasies to oneself.
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To people’s surprise, the greatest aphrodisiac known to humankind is communication of one’s deepest thoughts and desires, sexual or not. To know a person, even in their darkest recesses, is to be attracted to them. We are aroused by the candidness and honesty of the other fueled by their emotional vulnerability. This feels risky and in actuality can be emotionally risky. The other may cast their judgment on to the person who shares. Chances are, that judgment comes from their own judgment dictated by their own shame and guilt.
At this point, one must learn sexual empathy which is to practice understanding without judgment. Part of growing maturity is to recognize that you are separate people, and marriage does not grant “ownership” of one to the other. Too much “we” can be a problem for sexual desire, there also needs to be room for “I” that comes together in appreciation of mutual mystery.
The human need to integrate sex and love, to experience sexual excitement as a most important route to greater intimacy and connection is a healthy quest. Similarly, to sometimes be sexually ruthless, to experience sexual joy and abandonment is also healthy. This means to understand that to experience sexual excitement is to give oneself permission to be human beyond gender roles. Women, who often have difficulty with sexual ruthlessness, need the safety of a committed relationship, free from judgment, in order to lower their sexual inhibitions and take the risk.
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In other words, risk needs to be balanced with safety. Eroticism is a way to express love. It is through connection with each other that we can experience love in a physical form. Of course, this is balanced with mutual respect and regard. Any “using” of each other for sexual gratification is mutually given and decided.
Like anything else, the more energy that is put into sexual connection, the more that can come from this. Because life can be hectic and demanding, I happen to think it can be a good idea to plan sexual rendezvous. This can either be a “date” at home, or it can be elaborate in nights out with plans for having a reservation at a hotel, or anything else that conjures up a feeling of anticipation and romance.
Many people suffer from what I call “seriousness disease” which we can readily identify in ourselves. Sexuality at its best is playful and fun, gives joy and laughter to each partner, and for a moment, takes away the responsibilities of the day. With this in mind, it’s best to not always relegate sexual coming together as the last thing before bedtime sleep.
Nothing is more energizing, and communicative, as “afternoon delight”. It can potentially communicate the value of the relationship, where you give sexual activity your best energy, which then adds to the quality of the experience.
Making sex fun can also be an antidote to thinking that good sex is about performance. Unfortunately, porno sites have become primary educators which is antithetical to what is authentically human. Porn is typically performed by actors with extra large sex organs, which invites comparison, as well as performances that largely last an unduly length of time by people who don’t look particularly happy in the activity. It can seem soulless, and without joy. The performance usually involves a minimum, if any, of intimate kissing. Any connection between the two seems very lacking. Healthy sex includes a communication of caring. Porn communicates the wrong message about good sex.
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Playful sex can lead us into the world of pretend. Where else can you find yourself as a King with a harem girl, a teacher and student, a dominatrix, or a stranger in a bar being seduced by a fellow stranger who happens to be your husband or wife in real life? The possibilities for pretend are endless, and if approached with a lightness in your heart, a source of great fun and laughter can follow.
When the forbidden becomes a fantasy to act out, the outcome can be controlled in our imagination with just the right amount of predictability and risk to add to the eroticism of the moment.
I want to say something that in some quarters may seem controversial. We have lived for several decades with the idea of sexual addiction as if it is “real”. The fact is sexual addiction is not a listed as a diagnosis in the official diagnostic book that is recognized by psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, and in general, the medical community. The culture that supports the concept of sexual addiction is well meaning but ultimately ends up being harmful in how we approach a discussion about the parameters of normalcy in sexual behavior.
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The claim that someone is a sex addict inadvertently tends to have a shaming effect that can lead to a person to feel defective, and having a pathological condition. This usually makes the behavior worse as they now feel as though they have no real control over the problem. How we define things matter. The fact is our sexuality is a profoundly powerful force for everyone, and yet, shouldn’t be feared. You undoubtedly are normal if you think about sex a lot. Catholic confessionals are filled with people confessing their sexual transgressions, and they are not alone. I’m sure Lutherans, Evangelicals, and Buddhists, all have sexual thoughts, and many times quite intensely. Any attempt to not feel what you feel only has the effect of making the feeling stronger.
Every culture and religious organization has a right to name some sexual behaviors as immoral, and therefore, to be avoided. Most religious groups would agree that infidelity is wrong. Others would say masturbation is wrong. Their intention is to set up rules of conduct in a civil society that keeps people in relative check. As long as these rules are aspirational, they serve some purpose. Other rules of sexual conduct have the force of law behind them and contain more urgency. To state the obvious, rape is not only seriously wrong, it rightfully should result in many years in jail.
The question remains, what works and what doesn’t work with this very vital part of our humanity. Being told you have a pathological sexual condition can make you feel bad and defective, but tends to have the effect of strengthening the impulse to act out. Being told you are a sinner, and if you don’t do something about it, may result in eternal damnation, has the same effect of strengthening the urgency which inevitably most give in to. A lot of people leave their religious affiliation because of the sense of failure connected with not living up to their sexual precepts. This can be unfortunate given these same churches can be drivers of social justice and can be a force for good in the world.
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What works starts with accepting our common sexual humanity. What we resist, we find persists. Therefore, accepting our sexual feelings as normal takes some of the pressure off. We don’t need fixing, there’s nothing wrong with us. This is an important milestone to come to. Once the acceptance and realization of sexual normalcy occurs, people paradoxically have more personal freedom to say “no” to their sexual urges.
This is in contrast to the belief that some outside force, such as the mystery of an addiction, has control over one’s behavior. The fountain of control is inside each person individually, and people do better with control when not burdened with judgments about being addicted, or abnormal, or defective.
There can be times when a person believes their sexual behavior is excessive or even “out of control”, for example, the person who feels compelled to masturbate half a dozen times a day. People who have come to this conclusion would be well to consider this behavior as a habit to overcome. Compulsive sexual behavior can be seen as an attempt to cover deep seated emotional pain with sexual gratification and pleasure. The pleasure temporarily masked the persons’ emotional pain. This is common and can be dealt with by dealing with the underlying pain.
Lastly, any discussion about sexuality in a long term relationship would be lacking without reference to sexuality and aging. This begins with the recognition that there is no expiration on the enjoyment of sex.
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On the other hand, in the majority of cases where sex has dropped off the radar for a couple, it is the man who ends it. This can be surprising until one considers the inevitable erectile dysfunction that can occur for men as they age.
Because much of a man’s identity can be wrapped up in his sexual prowess, his difficulty of getting or keeping an erection can be quite frightening and can create a fair amount of panic. This has never been a problem before and now it is. Shame or humiliation can infect a man’s feelings about himself and he begins to feel inadequate and wonders what his wife will think of him. Is he less of a man? Because of the intensity of his humiliation, he would rather give up on a sexual connection with his wife rather than face the embarrassment of opening up with a physician or other expert in this area.
Of course, this does not have to end there. Viagra, Cialis, natural remedies, and penis pumps, have all proved their effectiveness. They do work, and many times even a short trial of viagra will get a man’s function back. Longer term solutions, such as a review of other medications that may create side effects known to impair sexual function can be valuable.
Menopause does not have to end sexual enjoyment for women. More and more women are discovering bio-identical hormones as a way to restore sexual pleasure. Testosterone supplements can help both men and women.
The biggest transition for both women and men wanting to carry an intimate sexuality into aging is to rethink sexual intercourse as the only legitimate form of sexuality. Both intimacy and pleasure can be combined with outercourse, which is all things sexual other than intercourse. Many report this as the best quality sexuality of their life. A totally erect penis does not necessarily have to be part of the equation for orgasm, and for enjoyment of the experience.
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Sex throughout the life cycle requires good communication to bring it to full potential. Oftentimes, talking about sex is felt as more vulnerable than having sex.
Here is an example of some questions that couples can ask each other to open up the more vulnerable side to each other. Having discussions about these kinds of questions can create a lifelong practice that can enhance your closeness and create more understanding of what pleases the other.
1) What happens during sex that means the most to you and feels the best? This is both what emotionally feels the best and what physically feels the best. Don’t ignore the emotional. Apply this question in regards to foreplay and afterwards, during cuddle time.
2) How much of your erotic imagination can you share with your partner? What can your partner do to encourage this openness, and what would discourage the sharing of this? Risk sharing your “crazy thoughts” – you might not be as crazy as you think. Many times, sharing fantasies is arousing in itself. One does not need to necessarily act out fantasies in order to enjoy them with each other. Partners can help each other out by playing along with what is verbalized even if it isn’t their idea of a highly arousing fantasy.
3) Be sure and ask, “what can I say or do to make our sexual lovemaking even better?” Feedback of all kinds is fundamental to good communication.
4) Just to spice it up a bit, one could ask, “Tell me something about our sexual experience that you don’t think I know?”
Of course, these are just examples of sexual communication starters.
Other possibilities might include:
5) Do you make a distinction between making love and having sex?
6) Do you ever masturbate? What do you think about when you masturbate? Ever considered masturbating together?
7) What have been some of the most intense sexual experiences in your life together?
8) What was your first sexual experience and how is it different today?
9) Are your sexual turn ons more likely to come from erotic visualizations, touch, sounds, or smells? All of the above?
10) What is a vulnerability ability around sex that you think your partner struggles with? What do you struggle with?
As you can see, the possible communication starters are endless and you can keep adding your own questions.
Be aware that it is likely that one of you is more enthusiastic to talk about these questions than the other. Respect boundaries and remember that pushiness tends to backfire. Pace yourself, be respectful, nonjudgmental, and then enjoy any new learnings that can enhance the intimacy between you.