Hate is a very powerful feeling and it has a way of consuming those who get entwined in it. When speaking of hatred, from the context of relationships, I’m speaking of intense feelings of anger, contempt, and disgust. These words may not even give the full depth of how much hate rocks our world when ensnared by it. Like a fly caught in the spider’s web, it is hard to escape, or think of anything else.
Hatred comes from many places including getting deeply hurt by another person, rejected, humiliated, discounted, a feeling of not given due respect. Suffice it to say a deep wound precedes it. A deep desire to strike back, either in our fantasy or in reality, tends to follow as we conclude, “The other person deserves it.” Getting even takes center stage.
I think you get the picture. It’s not pretty but it does describe the deepest dark part of our human nature.
What do we do? We have to look for and identify the wound(s) that preceded the hate. This is a vulnerable exercise to engage in. Hate puffs us up with temporary power so that we don’t want to readily give it up. It can feel like a drug. This drug becomes even more powerful when others support our rightful rage. There can be an overwhelming desire to “win.”
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to break the spell. Some people never do. They remain enraged, broken, agitated, and unbecoming. People shy away eventually if they are not wrapped up in the same “just cause.” The person consumed in hate may have glimpses of “this is ridiculous” but the intoxication of the “just cause” quickly overwhelms this fleeting moment of the truth. I’m speaking of the truth that “I’ve allowed this to control me and it’s taking me down into self destruction.”
When we begin to identify and face the wounded parts that we feel have been inflicted upon us, we open ourselves up to grieve what has been hurt. Feelings are allowed to flow as we feel our pain at this deeper level.
Experiencing the pain typically is accompanied by some partial feeling of relief that the wound can finally be addressed. A litany of feelings may come across our consciousness. Let them surface without grabbing on to them. This is the modern day version of bloodletting.
As you allow the feelings to flow with minimum interruptions, you’ll probably feel, among other things, a bittersweet feeling, as you remember who you are as your best self, your true self, the self you are most proud of. You realize in this context you do not need to defend yourself, or protect yourself, because you have inherent dignity and worth that cannot be stolen from you unless you decide to give it away. You are beginning to come back to your true nature.
Later on, we need to realize that no one else is our problem. They may have triggered us, hurt us, and it may feel outrageous that they did this to us, but the sober question is “what is the cost to continue this battle?” You will notice you have lost your equanimity, your sense of well being, you lose sleep, you are continually angry and irritable.
Like so many other times in our life, we need to come to our senses, and move on with our life. Allow joy and happiness to return. Chalk it up to another lesson as to how to live and not live.