One of my favorite memories of all time is a picture of my maternal grandparents taken when they were well into their 80’s. They are sitting on a couch and what stands out for me is they are holding hands as they pose for the camera. They were obviously in love with each other and really showed me what a good marriage could look like.
I’ve asked myself over the years, how could that happen? They genuinely cared about each other, very attentive to each other, kind and gentle. Were they always like that? Probably not. They came through the 1930’s and knew struggle like most people.
Here’s my speculation. My first thought is probably not very comforting. I think there is a fair amount of luck involved in our choice of mates. It’s really not a science. You can meet a newly minted couple and you say, “now here’s a couple that’s got it all together and they’ll make it for sure”. Only to hear about their divorce a year later. Another new couple comes along and you shake your head saying, “Whew, no way” and they are still going strong years later.
I do believe that having some level of emotional maturity is a big factor in marital success. On the other hand, how many people do you know who start off mature? I’m more of the belief that when both people have a desire and are open to grow this increases their chances of success.
None of us have come with operating instructions. We tend to model the people who have come before us. This includes parents, teachers, and other people we consider authority figures. Sometimes we decide how not to be based on those same people. Of course, some of those folks may not be so healthy and emotionally mature either. Needless to say, we pick up messages from an assorted group of people about how to be a man and how to be a woman, for better or worse.
Both genders have their challenges. Most men can relate to the message, “big boys don’t cry” during their growing up years. The message is you are on the right path by denying your feelings or not feeling at all. Be tough. Tough means don’t communicate how you really feel. Magically, when you start to encounter women and begin to date, you are suppose to communicate your feelings. “Whoa, what?” “Express myself after I’ve been taught all my life that expressing my feelings is weak and for little boys?” Confusion with a capitol “C” reigns the day.
So oftentimes, men find their significance in “getting ahead”, building their financial empire, because they don’t get these confusing rules about feelings, and become feeling anesthetized. The insecurity of not knowing what to do can make men flatten out with their feelings. Men tend to settle for just good sex because it seems simpler and in some regards, easier.
I’m not saying that good sex and finding financial security are not important. They are. It’s just that oftentimes, it is women who understand that there’s more to a fulfilling life than that.
It’s really about understanding that there’s more to life than making it through the day.. It’s remembering daily to make the other the priority in reciprocal ways . It’s about giving each other emotional feedback, even when it’s about feeling hurt. Self expression of feelings can leave you feeling vulnerable, and if you are a guy, your first instinct is to feel “unmanly.” So there’s a lot of previous man training to overcome and you have to be courageous enough to try to navigate through this. Often times, this is easier said than done, even by women.
It’s been my experience that many women just expect men to just know what they as women are needing or feeling, and get frustrated when men don’t respond in the way they would like. This may be because many women are uncomfortable asking for what they want. Becoming more assertive with their needs without feeling guilt about it can be a growth area for women. There is also a real art in asking for something without turning it into a criticism of the other. The challenge for women is to have your own sense of self with legitimate needs and desires while also being tuned in to the other. If tuned in, then meeting the man’s needs can be a co-equal satisfaction assuming an expressed gratefulness on the man’s part.
It’s also easy to take each other for granted. It’s like falling asleep at the wheel, not too many good things happen when you do that. It’s better to stay awake, when you don’t, you bump into things. Of course, if falling asleep to the needs of the relationship creates a minor or major crisis, many times this can be an opportunity for change or growth. A little suffering can make you wide awake to what you were too sleepy to remember. For example, a civil tone, good manners, willingness to communicate, mutual respect, kindness, thoughtfulness, and even acceptance of the other’s flaws, are all examples of being awake.
Marriage is not for perfect people. You need to be able to believe in the other. Are they willing to work at things? Communicate about the hard things when needed without threatening each other. Probably as important over time is to take delight in each other, and having the knowledge that the other is on your side and has your back. There’s a profound joy in this.
Here’s hoping you are able to work you way through the confusions and contradictions of male/females roles and hold hands with your lover at age 80 as well.