Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening up to intimacy and close relationships.
Healthy boundaries is something to strive for, work toward, and has as its corollary, being comfortable with who you are. As you become more real, you naturally develop more confidence through feedback that people accept you and actually find you more attractive. I’m not saying people find selfish, vain, arrogant people attractive but that’s not being real. People who have become more real do not need to wear the defense of vanity and arrogance. People who are authentically real are warm, kind, thoughtful of others, and gravitate toward mutual respect.
Good personal boundaries protect you. Without them life feels scary and you may feel anxious. Without healthy boundaries and a confident belief in yourself, you can gravitate toward rigid boundaries. People with rigid boundaries tend to be less trusting, don’t reveal much about themselves, and feel like they always have one foot out the door. They avoid closeness even though they deeply desire it. As a result, they are fearful of being present. They tend to spend a lot of time in self protective mode even when they don’t need to self protect (which is most of the time). What they don’t realize is that it is their own self judgment that is keeping them feeling secretively small, and it is totally unnecessary. It’s another one of those life riddles.
On the other end of the spectrum, is a person who has porous or underdeveloped boundaries. People with this tendency will value other peoples opinions, beliefs, preferences over their own. This quickly gets them in trouble as they have a difficult time saying “no” to others, and they tend to accept the abuse and disrespect of others. They may fear rejection if they do not go along with what the other wants from them. They can live in a steady state of anxiety with this unrelenting need to please. This is probably one of the most common problems a therapist works with. It is frequently referred to as a problem with codependence.
If you find yourself on either side of this spectrum, underdeveloped boundaries or rigid boundaries, a major part of the solution is to face your discomfort as you attempt to move toward the middle where healthy boundaries reside. Typically, when you are afraid of what you would like to do, it’s a good moment to apply your own sound judgment with a decision to believe in yourself, and then do it. You may experience a temporary surge in anxiety but in time you will emerge with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction with your self.
Healthy emotional boundaries come from believing that you are OK just the way you are. Commit to letting go of thinking something is wrong with you or your judgment. At the same time, let go of fixing others, taking responsibility for the outcomes of their choices, saving or rescuing others, needing to be needed, changing yourself to be liked, or depending on others for approval. It’s your approval of yourself that counts.