When a couple is not getting along, one could usually infer that their relationship is inflamed. This would be very similar to the person who develops a sore elbow while playing tennis. The more the player hits the ball, the more his or her elbow hurts. Somehow, someway, the solution to a sore elbow seems easier than what presents itself to the couple who inflames their relationship through frequent and unsolvable arguments.
You’ll note that just because you present a reasoned and “beyond dispute” argument to your partner does not necessarily mean they are going to come to their senses and agree. Have you noticed? This can even be true in what might be thought of as a relatively successful marriage.
John Gottman, who has spent his life researching successful marriages, has found that even in the most successful long term relationships, only about 66% of arguments ever get resolved.
That’s either good news or bad news depending on how you see the 66%. It’s good news that at least 66% of arguments do get resolved and yet, that leaves 34% that do not.
Have you ever heard of the confirmation bias? It’s one of those things that, if you realize that we are all effected by confirmation bias, and if you take it to heart, you’ll probably do it less because you’ll see it in yourself. If you think you’re never effected by confirmation bias, and think you are always right, you will probably do it more. Confirmation bias happens when we form a belief that we like, and then we embrace information that confirms that view while ignoring, or even rejecting, information that is contrary. The more emotional the subject the tighter the grip we hold on our point of view and not even realize that there are other legitimate ways of seeing the subject. “I am right, you are not,” goes the logic, “and so consent to my point of view.”
Confirmation bias is particularly inflaming when the person you love subverts your desires. As you ask yourself, “why is my partner not going along with my obviously reasonable ideas,” it’s easy to speculate character flaws, meanness, cruelty, immaturity, stubbornness, their controlling nature, or they just don’t love me or respect me enough. We can find just enough evidence to support this belief about the other, and over time, we conclude it must be true. This is confirmation bias. We shut down to listening to the other side of the argument on a regular basis, start to harden, and it’s usually matched by equal hardening on the other side. The noose tightens and moves toward strangulation of flexibility and rules of give and take. Some of this is what I would call human nature, and it can be what makes marriage relationships so difficult.
We all want what we want. We learned in Kindergarten that we have to share. We have to, at times, put aside what we want, and gracefully defer to the other because that’s the right thing to do. If you skipped Kindergarten or for some other reason didn’t learn this lesson, consider the following. People who know how to share and find a balance between give and take, tend to be much happier. They are also better in relationships. What this means is that you give the other person what they want from time to time even if you largely disagree. Confirmation bias makes us close minded to the needs, beliefs, desires of the other. There’s always at least two sides to things. Being completely entrenched in your own opinion can be dangerous to your relationships, with the exception to this being ethical or personal integrity considerations.
It can be well to take a step back and show a little bit of tolerance, acceptance, and respect when you disagree. Ask yourself, what would be the harm of showing great generosity in allowing your partner to have their way? There is considerable satisfaction in showing love and kindness.