If you are a man and you have read the first part of Crossing the Gender Divide, it’s important that you do not leave it to your spouse or partner to learn how to be a better communicator while you judge her for her success at getting through. While it is true that women initially take responsibility for making the relationship better, this has its limits. She will eventually grow tired and frustrated if she sees little effort from you to listen to who she is as well.
It takes courage to be a good listener. As we lean in to listen openly to what the other says we show a willingness to be changed by what we hear.
To be a deep listener requires us to be present to the other. The challenge to presence is to not get caught up in thinking that something else is more important than what you are doing by listening. If you really do need to do something else or be somewhere else, commit yourself to another time when you can be 100% intending to be present. You cannot fake this, listening while you read the newspaper just doesn’t work.
Another challenge to good listening is having your own agenda. Nothing closes down the other and undermines trust to go deeper than to feel you are not sincere in wanting to truly hear what she is saying. If she senses you are just waiting to get your points in, its pretty much a lost cause as far as reaching the depth of genuinely hearing each other at that deeper level. It’s a mistake to assume you know what the other is going to say. Let yourself be surprised. When we are surprised by the other, it’s kind of a thrill. We feel closer and more intimate in the sharing.
Of course, there are times when we don’t like what we are hearing. We might disagree, we might feel threatened by it, we might want to argue about it. Consider this, it might be better to just allow what’s been said to just stand on its own. We don’t necessarily need to have an opinion or even a comment about everything. Making a big deal about it can make it a bigger deal. Why do that?
Wanting to listen well requires nurturing an inner quiet. When we find ourselves filled with our own reactivity, take a slow quiet deep breath, and return to your desired focus on listening to the other person without judgement. A slow quiet deep breath can serve as an ongoing anchor to return to your intended focus on the other.
Learn to appreciate and respect the gaps of silence without anxiously rushing in to keep things moving. Many times, those gaps of silence lead the other to deeper feelings that when expressed lead to an even deeper connection.
Authentic listening to another is an undervalued gift we can give to our mate or anyone else. It is somewhat of a lost art. Then again maybe it has never been appreciated for the deep value it confers when freely given. If you ask people when was the last time someone truly listened to you, few people raise their hands. I would offer that it is one of our greatest emotional needs, to be listened to and understood and yet it is rarely fulfilled. At a time when we are looking for intimacy and connection, this kind of listening is the most important way in. It is a beautiful thing to feel this kind of connection.